“No”. It’s every two-year-old’s favorite word as they experiment with independence in a safe environment. As long as a parent knows when to override the child’s resistance for safety or health reasons, allowing the developing person to explore is generally a good idea.

What about when it’s the parent who says “no”?

A senior accustomed to lifelong independence — especially if they’ve been the family provider — may not take kindly to a child stepping in and attempting to “control” a situation, even if it’s for the parent’s own good — and even if that child is 50 years old! What to do?

Seeing Patterns and Possibilities

Our mindsets, like our arteries, tend to become more rigid with age. Certain ways of doing things wear a groove that works. While our brains are more than capable of change, and sometimes you can teach an old dog new tricks, it’s often easier to maintain the status quo.

Dr. Anadi Sahoo, psychologist and motivational trainer, offered this insight on LinkedIn: “The world you see is created by what you focus on. It is never too late to adjust your lens. A particular way of doing things may be fruitful in one era, but may turn out to be absolutely useless in the changed times.

“We tend to lose awareness in routine tasks as these are carried out habitually, almost mechanically. The fact is that we don’t see things in total perspective. Our inputs are different, but partial.

“As we grow old, our whole attention is engaged in fulfilling the routine. We feel satisfied if we are able to carry out the routine tasks successfully. Even a small item of work assumes big importance.

“Whatever we do, whether something new or old, awareness must always be there. We cannot bring about the same results by repeating actions which were effective in the past.”

Not About You

One blog post that elicited a large number of comments dealt with recognizing when an older person’s behavior — and resistance — is not about the person with whom they’re interacting, but about feelings of powerlessness and frustration. Sometimes it’s simply about pain.

My lifelong friend Ellie, always the soul of kindness and caring, once spoke sharply to me, saying she had to hang up the phone now. I was so shocked that tears stung my eyes. I apologized profusely and ended the call. The next day she called back to explain: her hip was very painful and she needed to lie down, but the corded landline phone didn’t reach to her bedroom. My understanding and empathy expanded exponentially.

Similarly, one HECM professional relates how, when he was just starting out as an LO, a prospect “suddenly got mad and told me to get out of her house. She was yelling at me. Somehow I thought I had really offended her.

“A week later she called and apologized, stating that her stomach pain from recent surgery was so severe she just couldn’t take hearing what I was saying anymore and needed to get to bed to try to get relief. She was much better now, and wanted a HECM.”

Finding the Middle Ground

One way to increase your elder understanding is through becoming a Certified Senior Advisor. What’s most crucial, however, is getting to the root of resistance, and finding a way to approach the senior that is respectful, non-patronizing, and addresses the underlying concerns that are prompting someone to dig in their heels.

Usually, if there is no mental cause (such as memory loss) or physical cause (such as pain, or hearing loss), the resistance likely stems from perceived loss: of autonomy, sense of usefulness, and so much more.

Esteemed science fiction author Ursula K. Le Guin, who died earlier this year at 88, pulls no punches in her last book, No Time To Spare (a collection of essays subtitled, “Thinking About What Matters”):

“Old age isn’t a state of mind. It’s an existential situation. Encouragement by denial, however well-meaning, backfires. Fear is seldom wise and never kind. Who is it you’re cheering up, anyhow? Is it really the geezer?

“To tell me my old age doesn’t exist is to tell me I don’t exist. Erase my age, you erase my life — me.”

From Resistance to Respect

Clearly, the more we acknowledge aging — which means acknowledging our own mortality — the greater our ability to truly connect with and serve our seniors. It’s obvious, though not necessarily easy.

Looking ahead to one’s own eventual end is frightening for most of us. But if seniors can venture into (and in many cases, master) the befuddling world of technology, their younger counterparts must be equally willing to accept the challenge of fast-forwarding in perceptual time to grasp the view from old age. Then both parties will be able to merge into a field of understanding — and such mutuality is eternal..